So This is Love

I have discovered that I am madly, passionately, frustratingly and painfully in love with my Savior.
The last two might look odd.  But I don't think they are.  It's frustrating being in love.  It's hard to agree on things, and see this kind of love is different.  There is no negotiating to make both parties happy.  He is always right, and that can be frustrating at times.  It's frustrating that he likes to test me, that he likes to do things to draw me closer to him, so that I can learn to love and trust him more.  It's frustrating.
It's painful because I fail him every day.  Every day I know that I let him down in some way, and sometimes it's hard to think that someone could possibly love me as much as he does when someone let's him down as much as I do.  It's painful to know that I let him down constantly and that he continues to love me the same.


Tonight at bible study we sang the song Inside out by Hillsong United.  And before we sang the song Rachel was talking about the words.  As we were singing the song I found myself consumed in unbelievable happiness.  I have tried everything to feel joy in my life.  I have tried doing it alone and without God.  I have tried doing half heatedly with God, and now I am trying it 100% with God.  This song brought so much joy to me tonight.  Because it's true.  I am so in love with my maker, I want him to take me and consume me from the inside out.  I want him to be all I think about day in and day out.  I want him to have every last piece of me, pretty and ugly.  I want to learn the art of losing myself in him so that I can bring him praise.  I want to shine because Christ is so bright in me.  This is my prayer right now, that I may be consumed by my Savior, through trials, heartache and pain nothing will ever make me stray from him.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyone all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art if losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

The Power of My Savior

Have you ever felt like you can't catch a break, like once something get's better something else goes wrong immediately after?  Even if it's something small, you've had so much going on it feels like it's the end of the world?  This happens to me sometimes.  And normally I don't handle it very well.  But I have discovered something, and it's freakin awesome.  Would you like to know what it is?

JESUS

I have just felt Satan yanking on me lately.  And like I said before, normally I don't deal with it well.  I get angry that things are falling apart, big or very small.  I get sad that life is hard.  I become a giant pity party for myself.  It's not pretty.  Today I lost over 1400 pictures that were on my phone.  My heart hurt for the memories of my family that I am not going to be able to get back, the pictures with the friends that I miss that I no longer have.  I also haven't had the best couple weeks, and right as things got fixed, this happened.  And this morning I thought "man, can't I just catch a little break?"  And then all the sudden I realized, this could be so much worse!  I still have a phone, all my contacts are still there, I have WONDERFUL people surrounding me and I have a lot of the pictures on facebook and instagram that were lost on my phone.  It defiantly still sucks but I am so lucky and I have so much more then I deserve.  I was sad today about my pictures, but it did not consume me.  I could feel Satan trying to get me down, and I still can, but he is failing horribly.  Because of the love and trust I have for my savior Satan is getting stomped on, as soon as I realized today that letting this one thing consume my day and ruin everything was silly and that trusting in God was a much better choice of my energy I could feel weight being lifted off my shoulders.

You Make Beautiful Things

It's almost been exactly one month since I have been here in Warrenton Missouri. I could never have guessed how much I would enjoy Missouri or the people I am with. I would have never guessed that God would have blessed me with people like Brendan and Rachel and Stephanie and Ryan . I also would have never guessed the heart ache I would feel for home, for my mother, for the hug of my best friend, for the joy and laughter from my siblings, for the comfort of Oregon.  I haven't had the easiest time in my personal life since I've gotten here, and I am hurting in a couple different ways.  But it's amazing the difference I can see and feel in myself. If this would have been a year ago, two years ago, I would be angry, angry at God for letting me hurt, angry at everyone who has it easy simply because I don't. I would have started to turn in and become bitter and mad.  Yet now, I am turning right to Christ.  I know my pain is not his doing, I know he feels my ache and wants to be the source that makes me feel whole again. Struggling sucks, no matter what you are struggling with, it sucks. It sucks to feel like you have no control.  But in my struggle I have found the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.  I have found that he makes us go through struggles and heart aches so that we can grow closer to him, so that we can turn and run into his arms and feel his undying love for us.  I wish so badly I would have understood this a year ago, two years ago.  A lot of the pain and struggle I put myself through would not have happened. But I know and understand it now, and though I may not have the physical touch of my Heavenly Father, the warmth and love I feel in my heart is much better then the bitterness and hatred I have had before.  Through our pain, our ugliness and our hurt he makes beautiful things out of us, he is just waiting for us to turn and run to him. 

Week 3

  I have been here for 3 weeks and it has been a struggle and a blessing.  I was told that the first two weeks were the hardest and it was very true.  I missed home, I missed my brother and sister, my parents, my best friends and my dog.  I thought if this is how it's going to be for 15 months there is no way I am going to be able to do this.  I talked to my family on the phone and some of my friends and they all assured me that it would get easier.  They were right.  Through the struggle of being home sick and getting used to all my new surroundings and adjusting God has wrapped his arms around me and made me feel safe and loved.  He has placed me with people that I LOVE working with and every time I start to feel a little down he sends me some love from home at the exact time I need it. 
  I am happy where I am.  I never thought something like this would come my way, but it did and I am so in my element.  I love who I am working for and the ministry I am working for.  I am reminded daily of God's love and grace for me and for others.  He is taking me on this grand adventure and every morning I wake up I think, I wonder what God will do with me today.  He is testing me with things I struggle with and making me work on them and helping me through it all. 
  As I look next to my computer at all my pictures of my family and friends, I just feel blessed beyond belief.  They have and are continuing to support me and love me from afar.  They are my rock and I couldn't do any of it without them. 

  Some things that you could pray for:

1. Strength for myself
2. REST
3. Patience with other staff and interns
4. That God would start to show me what is next so that I can start preparing for my future now.
5. If IMPACT is what I have next and if so where.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  Miss you all and love you!